Balancing Freedom, Discipline, And Values

At our university, there was a professor who had completed her PhD abroad. Her daughter often came to our office after school. Madam used to give her child a neat stack of A4 papers from the workplace for drawing. She became habitual of dragging some random lines on the paper and then picking up the next page. This was proudly affirmed as an essential aspect of child-rearing — that we should always encourage our children’s imagination and creativity. The dilemma, however, was that Dr Sahiba was teaching courses on globalisation and climate change to undergraduate students.

Now look around; we hear the same opinions almost every day — that children should not be criticised because it might affect the process of their personality development. They shouldn’t be judged either, lest their thinking be subdued. Religion, too, must be introduced in a subtle and modern way; otherwise, they might develop an aversion to it. They should be given the freedom to choose their own subjects. While teaching them, we should use simple words, or their minds might get entangled in meanings and style. Their desires should be fulfilled so that they don’t develop any inferiority complex. In short, we become their servants while raising them.

Remember the 1990s, when everyone in the family sat together to watch the 8 o’clock drama on PTV? When guests used to arrive, the whole family gathered around them. But now, no one even bothers to come out of their rooms. Certainly, this is an age of individuality, independence, and freedom — but that individuality is gradually turning into selfishness. Deciding when to sleep and when to wake up, whom to meet and whom not to meet, what to eat and what to avoid, what to wear and how to wear it — all these have now become a child’s personal choices. I might sound nostalgic comparing our childhood with the way children are being raised today. Yes, I understand, how can the 1990s possibly compare to 2025? But the survival of certain habits, cultural traditions, and values is what gives society its beauty.

Child psychologists suggest that part of a healthy upbringing is to help children become familiar with the words “no” and “wait until”

Today, travelling miles together in the same car, there is silence between us. Everyone has earphones in, disconnected from each other. Kids show zero interest in the issues the parents are discussing. Sitting in the same car, the parents on the front seats are in one world, and the children in the back seats are in another universe. Teach children to take interest in their parents’ lives and concerns. Teach them how to speak, how to give and take compliments, how to accept constructive criticism, and how to search for solutions. Make them habitual users of words. Words are weapons, and words are healers, but sadly, our children do not have any words. They even talk, argue or appreciate their peers by sending emojis.

No matter what others may think, in my opinion, such silence is emotional numbness. Talking — even pointless and excessive — with parents, aunts and uncles is not always foolishness. Sometimes, speaking more is actually a sign of love and a means of expressing it. Your voice is proof of your presence. Silence may well be a brilliant strategy, but only against an enemy. Don’t try it on your loved ones. Ask your grandparents how much they long to hear your voice.

Remember how we used to get by with a single pair of formal shoes throughout the year? The same pair was worn on Eid, to weddings, and even to school. But today, their shoe racks are overflowing and drawers are stuffed with beauty products. Our kids have excessive clothes in every material, shape, and style, for every occasion and every moment. And yet, there is no sense of value. Stationery, notebooks, pencils — dozens of them lie around, unused. Instead of writing something down, they prefer to take a screenshot. Teach children to be content with less and to find joy in small things. Your personality is not reflected by your clothes but by your character.

There is a psychological theory called the delay in gratification. Simply put, it is about learning to postpone satisfaction. Child psychologists suggest that part of a healthy upbringing is to help children become familiar with the words “no” and “wait until”. If they ask for something, even if one can afford it, teach them patience. Associate the fulfilment of their desires with their achievements. Raise children with love, not luxury. Make them accustomed to discipline, not comfort. A nest built on a fragile branch will be fragile too. Personally, I don’t favour a tone of constant reproach, but these thoughts really worry me. Our parents still managed to raise us well in difficult circumstances, but what about our future which is tied to Gen Z?

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