Hold music is eating my soul. Can anyone save me from the doom loop? | Adrian Chiles

Hold music. There must be a better way. You have already had to come to terms with disappointments on your long journey to your heart’s desire: a fellow human with whom to converse somewhere deep in the bowels of a company’s customer service department.

First, there’s the dismay, if not surprise, when you find it’s not a person who has answered the phone. Then there’s the enervating torture of listening to the long list of options from which to make your selection. The most I’ve ever been offered is seven. SEVEN! For added annoyance you may well then be told that a) your call is important to them and b) that they’re experiencing more calls than usual. The latter is a certain precursor to the dreaded hold music.

I’ve seen research by the University of York for the virtual network operator Talkmobile. More than 2,500 participants were subjected to hold music of various genres, as well as alternative audio, including nature sounds, trivia and silence. Trivia came out best – or rather least irritating; metal, as in heavy metal, came bottom. Interestingly, in all the years I’ll never get back that I’ve spent listening to hold music I’ve never once come across trivia or metal. Either would have made a nice change.

It also emerged, to no great surprise, that if what is playing turns out to be on a loop, everyone hates it. It’s almost a doom loop, strongly suggesting you are on a quest without end.

I’ve never understood why they do this. Why loop anything? Surely it’s not because of a shortage of tape? I’ve been doing battle with the Co-operative Bank’s hold music for years. The tune itself isn’t bad. But it is looped. And even worse, the way it is edited suggests someone has picked up. Cruel, so cruel.

New thinking, the research concludes, is needed. Press 1 for “Oh really”; press 2 for “Of course it bloody well is”. One suggestion is to give customers the option to choose between music, silence or trivia. It’s all going to be so much fun listening where this goes that I hope nobody ever picks up.

Adrian Chiles is a Guardian columnist

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