Sony Green Lights Movie About Microsoft 95’s 3D Pipes Screen Saver

LOS ANGELES — Sony Pictures Entertainment released their slate of upcoming films for 2026, spearheaded by a feature length adaptation of Windows 95’s 3D pipes screensaver, studio reps have confirmed.

“We really took a bath with all those Marvel projects, so for our next adaptation we wanted to pull from something universally appealing but still has enough depth to stretch out over 90 minutes. After six or seven focus groups, I’m proud to announce ‘Pipes! A ScreenSaver Story’  will be released on Christmas of next year,” said executive Jack Alexander. “This movie will have the calming nostalgia factor for older millennials, and second screen brain rot adjacent randomness for their kids. If there’s one thing I know, the audience will watch whatever we churn out even if it’s insultingly dumb. Plus we can advertise it as the world’s first procedurally generated movie! I need the marketing team to start designing pipe popcorn buckets immediately.”

The production team tasked with bringing the 3D pipes to the big screen acknowledged the challenges of adapting a beloved institution.

“Jack burst into our office three weeks ago and told us to make a movie about the screensaver pipes, and I thought he was just coming down from another coke bender until I saw the press release. So yeah, we’re trying to figure out how the fuck we’re supposed to make this work. Maybe the pipes are battling the 3D flower box screensaver, and the red pipe is voiced by Patrick Stewart? We’re still noodling the storyboard, but all we know for sure is that it’ll end with the pipes joining the other screensavers for the ‘Clippy Initiative’. How we get there is beyond me,” said producer Kevin Joyce. “The suits told us they’re pulling resources from Beyond the Spider-Verse and making this a top priority, so we need to pull out all the stops. I think we can tap Hans Zimmer for the score and throw in a brick maze screensaver easter egg, we might be able to make this work. However this turns out I know for a fact it’ll be a hit with those who drop acid at the movies and previously owned a Compaq Presario 633.”

As of press time, Alexander spent a late night drug binge greenlighting several more films based on 90’s PC software including a $300 million sci-fi action epic based on the 3D pinball game Space Cadet.

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