Original Coverage & Source Attribution: www.hellomagazine.com
Gwyneth Paltrow has started plenty of trends, notably – checks notes – vagina steaming. But perhaps her most enduring cultural contribution was coining the phrase ‘conscious uncoupling’ to announce her divorce from Coldplay frontman Chris Martin.
In a statement published on her Goop website in 2014, Paltrow said that she and Martin were splitting after a decade of marriage and two children together. The couple spoke of ‘hearts full of sadness’, while insisting they would ‘always be a family’. They were, they said, choosing to ‘consciously uncouple and coparent’, asking for privacy as they navigated their separation.
In an era when celebrity break-ups were tabloid gold, from Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s divorce to Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake’s messy demise, we were quietly accustomed to A-list splits being served up with plenty of juicy scandals. A couple insisting they didn’t hate each other was a rather more difficult, or perhaps more boring, concept to process. Paltrow and Martin were mocked for their so-called ‘psychobabble’ for years. Yet, more than a decade later, the ‘namaste-ification’ of divorce has become practically compulsory in celebrity splits, with many of them choosing the amicable pathway instead of a war played out in the headlines.
Tobey Maguire and his ex-wife, jewellery designer Jennifer Meyer are the most recent examples. The Spider-Man star, 51, and Meyer didn’t just stay friends – no, they went one step further in the ‘we’re totally fine’ stakes. Maguire didn’t simply give his former partner his blessing when she married billionaire heir Geoffrey Ogunlesi in Hawaii earlier this month: he officiated the wedding, too. What made it all even more impressively relaxed was that Maguire and Meyer only officially finalised their divorce days earlier (although, to be fair, they had announced their split ten years prior, it just took a long time to sort).
On this side of the pond, Tess Daly and Vernon Kay are flying the flag for the friendly split. The former Strictly presenter, 57, and the Radio 2 DJ, 51, announced in May that they had broken up after 22 years of marriage. Their joint statement read, ‘After much consideration, and with a deep sense of care and respect for one another, we have made the decision to separate amicably.’ They added, ‘This has not been an easy choice, but it comes from a place of mutual understanding and a shared desire of what is best for both of us. We remain great friends and, most importantly, fully committed to our roles as loving and supportive parents, which will always be our priority.’
This has certainly been the case, with both Tess and Vernon showing nothing but love for one another in the wake of their split – even sharing a joint post on Instagram after celebrating their eldest daughter Phoebe’s 22nd birthday together this week.
Celebrity split statements have become so philosophical, it’s hard to imagine those of us in the real world taking such a stance in light of a divorce. Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman announced their 2016 separation by explaining that ‘eventually you start to find grace in the idea that life goes on’, while Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux described themselves as ‘two best friends’ choosing to part ways romantically in 2018.
That same year, Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced that their ‘beautiful love adventure’ was taking them down different paths. The most longstanding friendly split has come from Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, who were divorced in 2000 after 13 years of marriage. They chose to remain close for their three daughters, Rumer, Scout and Tallulah. Moore said recently that they felt ‘more connected’ after the divorce than they did before.
But is there ever a truly friendly divorce?
Over in the real world a truly friendly divorce has a more unicorn-like status (I have one friend who hasn’t spoken to her ex-husband about anything other than co-parenting for years, they don’t even exchange ‘happy birthday’ texts). Is it simply easier for celebrities to play out such beautiful and nourishing divorces, or is it all part of the inauthentic nature of modern life, where what you see on social media often barely represents the reality behind the scenes?
Relationship expert and life coach Annie Fontaine points out that perhaps celebrities have more impetus for it to go smoothly, besides their children. “Many have shared friends, businesses and careers that overlap, so staying on good terms can make life a lot easier,” says Annie. “There’s also an element of wanting to protect their public image. Nobody particularly wants their divorce or separation played out in the press, especially when children are involved.” She adds, “I also think celebrities often have access to a lot more support, whether that’s therapists, mediators or simply people helping them manage the practical side of their lives. That can take some of the pressure off.”
It’s not all a cynical move, though, and Annie adds that it’s positive thing that the nasty divorces we saw so regularly play out in the tabloids in the nineties and noughties are being replaced with something less stressful: “There’s still this idea that if a relationship ends, it’s somehow failed, and I don’t agree with that at all. Sometimes two people have simply reached the end of their journey together romantically, and that’s okay.”
The Paltrow and Martin style blended family may not be for everyone, however, and that’s fine too. Clinical psychologist Jason Chan, of Spiral Psychology, says we must “distinguish forgiveness from reconciliation, and civility from friendship”. He adds, “The aim is not to preserve the former relationship unchanged, but to find a way of relating, or to find a degree of distance, that allows each person to move forward with mutual respect.”
And so, maybe we can push our cynicism aside to celebrate the rise of the amicable divorce. It might not be gossip-worthy, but it’s surely something to be admired. Gwyneth Paltrow has a lot to answer for, but the conscious uncoupling might just be her best marketing ploy yet.
