Original Coverage & Source Attribution: www.danspapers.com
SCENE ON THE SUBWAY
An enormous number of celebrities were reported on Hamptons Subway this week. It’s sort of a record and we are very proud of our volunteer spotters. Matthew Broderick was on the subway heading to Amagansett from East Hampton. Mickey Drexler was on the subway from Water Mill to Bridgehampton. Martha Stewart was seen getting on the westbound subway at the rarely used Georgica Stop. Ed Burns was seen getting on in Sag Harbor heading for East Hampton. Katie Couric was seen heading west from Montauk toward Amagansett. Howard Stern was seen heading westbound toward Hampton Bays from Southampton. One of our locals who uses the subway told us that if he knew there would be so many celebrities on the subway this week he’d have dressed up and taken it somewhere.
NOT TRUE
According to announcements made by a well known government leaker, 1,206 American made nuclear bombs, which were supposed to have been destroyed in the disarmament agreement signed by the United States and the former Soviet Union in 1987 were not destroyed but were stockpiled in an underground storage room accessible from the subway tunnel between our Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor stops. And they are still there today. The U. S. Government denies this accusation. So does our commissioner Bill Aspinall.
HEALTH FOR OUR EMPLOYEES
Hamptons Subway does not provide health insurance for its employees. Since its founding, it has had a fully staffed doctors office right on the second floor of the main office on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays, available 24 hours a day. This week we shut it down with the impending arrival of Trump’s recent decision to make medical improvements, which he says will help to cut back waste. This move is being supported by Health Czar Robert Kennedy Jr., who says if you feel like it, eat healthy, exercise, go up and down stairs carefully, look both ways before crossing streets and avoid close contact with those who have colds, but really, it is up to you and there may not be any improvement in doing this so maybe best thing is not to do this. You get to make this decision.
SUBWAY CAR TRAFFIC JAM
As always, it’s possible to look down from Fort Hill at Montauk and see the Hamptons Subway yards where the trains go for maintenance at 2 a.m. every night. This past week, there were not 36 cars but 52. One of our assistant managers had mistakenly ordered an extra 16 cars from the Toronto Subway shipped here to handle the rush of subway traffic for folks coming out from New York City for the Film Festival. We only go from Montauk to Westhampton. We will not name this employee, but he’s been fired, and the trains sent back to Canada. His argument that Canadians don’t have a film festival this time of year so didn’t need the extra cars and so it was okay for us to borrow them even if we didn’t go through the regular channels has been duly noted. And besides, it’s Canada, and they’ve been really hostile lately.
COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
First I would like to thank all those folks who voted for me last week in the election for Commissioner which I won again. Since I, as Commisioner, was the one who counted all the votes, I know who you people are and will of course remember you when the time comes. As for those who voted for one of the other three candidates, I know who you are too. My philosophy has always been live and let live. But there are strict limits.
On another note, I want to thank all our subway customers. Not that there is another subway in the Hamptons, but even so, we always strive to be the very best Hamptons Subway ever. And we wish you the best, those of you who are here legally, and my entire staff hopes you enjoy the upcoming holiday season.
On another matter, who is this person now writing the Hampton sSubway Newsletter? Seems to be a pretty sour person. Best to get him or her outta there.
